I will attempt to record some of my observations for your consideration.
* (phy·lum [fahy-luhm]
noun, plural -la [-luh]
1.Biology . the primary subdivision of a taxonomic kingdom, grouping together all classes of organisms that have the same body plan.
Exploring habitat management and survival mechanisms of the Grey Headed Northern Taiwanese Senior Citizen
It is no coincidence that I use the word 'wildlife' to describe this fascinating bunch. Compared to the Standard American Senior, the Northern Taiwanese Senior is comparatively sprightly and rather more tenacious.
One can observe large groupings of them on any given day, employing the grounds of city parks typically during morning hours. There you can discover a variety of free-style dance moves, tai-chi, emphatic kicks and shaking, free form exercise maneuvers, fan dances, and even on occasion ball-room dance in the dirt. The variety and creativity is quite remarkable. And shame is not an issue in the minds of these athletic proficients. Most big-toys (more commonly known as 'jungle-gyms') are primarily occupied by the elderly. Scarcely will you find an actual child enjoying themselves on the bars, bouncy animal seat, or teeter-totter. No, these are all put to vigorous use by the elderly in their own innovative ways. Perhaps some of the highlights being the 'dead arms swing and slap', the 'synchronized slow motion dance', the 'solo teeter (sans totter)', or perhaps the 'gyrating knees/rubber arms' combination.
For those less inclined to work up a sweat, many park patrons haul entire home karaoke systems to the park for a solo or even group serenade. Chinese classics can be heard being belted out from all corners of the landscape. [On the vein of musical interests, another peculiar habit is for this particular phylum to play (quite audibly to all those living within a block radius) the same traditional Chinese song over and over without letup, day in and day out. For all those not well acquainted with this type of music, simply imagine having your head repeatedly pummeled by a drunk ape playing the bag-pipes, while a narcoleptic toddler beats on the cymbals.]
Another curious trait I have noticed is the array of colors the females choose to dye their plumage. The most common being Cheeto's-orange, hot pink, brick red, and something between copper and the color of most fire-engines. These delicate embellishments are often accentuated by tight poodle perms and six-inch high bangs.
The complex and maniacal behavior of the Common Kindergartner
In my quest to learn more about the above mentioned specimens, I have decided to establish interaction with them on a regular basis. In doing so, I have been able to assume a familiarity with this elusive group and even find a place among them as what I originally perceived to be a sort of 'pack leader'. I was, however, grossly mistaken in my assumption and now realize that my rank in the pack is more that of 'entertainer/human jungle-gym/complaint department/and general morale regulator'.
Here are some of the quaint practices of the Common Kindergartner:
Unlike the free-spirited Senior Citizens, these smaller critters tend to migrate into smaller clusters of about 20 for social interaction. All flocking together within the confines of their classrooms. In these facilities, bathrooms have an 'open door' and 'co-ed' policy. So, a casual stroll past the toilets usually results in a squeeky greeting being shouted from within. Unabashedly, they are happy to tell you 'hello' and 'good morning' in between labored grunts in producing a 'number two'.
Certainly one of the most slimy species I have encountered. I imagine the Common Kindergartner produces more snot on a daily basis than any other class of biped. Usually sneezed out forcibly onto a nearby classmate, book, or myself. Many consider the by-product of a good sneeze a prized commodity and will interrupt all classroom progress to bring me evidence of the event.
Perhaps due to their general squirminess, or maybe the slippery nature of their sweatsuits, it is uncanny the way they often succumb to gravity quite forcibly, especially from a seated position . Fortunately they have very small chairs, rather close to the ground. However, the proximity of the chair to the ground only furthers my curiosity of how it could be so difficult to stay on top of it. The same is true of their shoes. Strays are often found hobbling around in search of a lost shoe which somehow became dislodged from a sitting position and made it's way halfway across the room.
Upon further observation and experimenting I have deduced the following three constants:
1. A kindergartner will do ANYTHING for a sticker. Even holding still for upwards of 5 minutes, and keeping their ever-moving mouths shut.
2. The common kindergartner has an over developed sense of personal justice. Devistation and elation can both be achieved by seemingly minute things.
3. Their memory span is about as long as they are tall. This is proven in question and answer discussions. As well as simply leaving the room for an hour and returning, they greet you with such enthusiasm that you'd think they hadn't seen you in months.
In conclusion:
The more research I conduct, the farther I seem to be from fully understanding these unique beings. I can only hope that through exposure, I may gain some glimpse into their marvelous world. If not, at least an endless supply of entertainment is at my finger tips.
